It's 2:45 am Spain time, and I'm not awake because I was out partying up at some grand fiesta. Quite the opposite really. My insomnia is certainly caused by my 11:30 pm coffee drinking due to the need to cease my brief period of productivity, and is also definitely induced by my racing mind that absolutely refuses to quit tackling all of the issues of life...at 2:45 am.
However, this restless mind of mine has made itself quite cozy in my sleep routine lately. Like any normal person, this happens to me regularly. But usually my mind is filled with to-do lists and is reviewing the events of the day. For the last couple of nights this hasn't been the case though. It's down to the wire in Spain, 16 days to be exact, and all sorts of new reflections are constantly entering my mind screaming, "Hi, hey, analyze me to no avail!" So I do, and here I am during the wee hours of the morning doing so.
Over the last four months these sometimes pesky, reoccurring reflective thoughts have consisted of varying themes. Everything from my relationship with Christ, to love, to what love means, to why I'm here, to why do I have no self-control with food (that's an all-the-time thing), to jobs, to time management, to what am I doing with my life, to family, to friends, to what's causing the weird rash on my legs, to church, to finances, to why do I often miss my dog more than people, to why do I still worry with God on my side, to why do I have the attention span of a gnat, to how I can better serve others in my life, to why has Spain made my face an oil rig and my hair feel like straw, to anything else completely random and ridiculous yet relevant. Almost every single one of these things run through my mind at least once a day. However, tonight my racing mind focused one principal theme, fear.
As I laid in my little, Spanish bed, it really struck me how much fear I harbor inside of me without ever really admitting it to myself. One of my most prominent fears, and one of my biggest pride-busters, is that I've realized that I'm scared of growing up.
I'm 21 years old, and ever since I can remember I've been very independent and as years have passed pretty darn responsible. Frankly, I can't recall a time where I didn't feel like at least somewhat of an adult, and I've embraced that. After coming to that realization, I concluded that my fear doesn't stem from the greater responsibilities that lay ahead, nor not depending on others. It is founded in my fear of an independent identity. Instead of a self that is almost solely defined by the likes of those around me, the opinions they hold, and a past that's often defined me, I have a kind of yearning for an identity that is self-expressive, a mind that has formed opinions and beliefs of its own, and sense of self that isn't petrified of the opinions that loved ones or strangers cast upon it. It's something that does holds close to some aspects of who I am, but is shaped by and created new by God's transforming love and grace. Creating and discovering this sense of self that is a life-long process and is never complete. However, I don't want to miss out on the adventure simply because I'm fearful of what others think.
And after all of this runs through my now exhausted mind, I still finally feel like I'm ready let go until I realize that there is another hindrance...This is is almost cliche fear of my choices.
This fear to the average Joe is known as making mistakes. For the optimistic, it's a new learning opportunity. And to the perfectionists it's known as the screwing-up-my-life-forever-and-nothing-will-ever-be-okay-ever-again.. It's double jeopardy and you have thirty seconds to guess which category I fall into. What is perfectionists, Alex. Correct!
Like I said before, I'm 21-years-young, the so-called peak of life. Unless you have the fear of a two-year-old and the thought process of the parent of the two-year-old. I rarely do anything that would seem to be the norm for a 21-year-old. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete snore. I have this desire to be spontaneous and to build a life that isn't so everyday. However, I have the fear of screwing everything up. The fear that if I take some sort of chance or chase some crazy dream, big or small, that my world will come crashing down. That my bank account will be empty, an angry mob will be outside of my apartment with pitchforks, and that the apocalypse will officially commence. It's a little bit like Chicken Little, just a little. And what's been racing through my mind these past few nights is the question of why I put myself through this. I live this life once. Why should I rob myself of meeting as many people as possible, learning as much as I can, and finding enjoyment in the unlikeliest of places. It finally struck me when it comes to taking these chances, the only truly detrimental possible outcomes are A) not doing it or B) regret.
Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to throw responsibility and common sense out the window and let live my life by the seat of my pants. But it does mean that I've really began to see how fleeting life is. It's something you hear for your entire life, but oftentimes don't listen to until it's too late. I want to be able to look back on my life and be able to say, I was who I am, I gave it all that I got, and I lived it to the best that I could.
And now that all of this is off my chest and now on paper, well kind of, it's time for me to go back to my little Spanish bed and pray about where to start and to dream of what can happen when I listen and follow.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
7,006,102,713 Faces and An Infinite Number of Prayers
7,006,102,713...the population of the world on April 10, 2012.
703,021...the population of Sevilla, Spain (my current location) as of 2011.
83,393...the population of Asheville, North Carolina (my hometown) according to the 2010 census.
As I was walking through the streets of Sevilla today, here's what I realized, God personally knows every single one of us. Every one. He knows the little old lady I saw sitting by the river in her wheelchair, the smiling momma on the street who's chasing after her giggly little boy, the wife and husband holding hands walking across the bridge, and even the little unborn baby that's still developing in its momma's pink t-shirt covered belly. And not only does He know all these peoples' names, He knows their past, their future, and the absolute deepest desires of their hearts.
I would dare say that at some point in their lives, quite a few people have read or heard the following verse, Luke 12:7:
"But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more
value than many sparrows."
Personally, I know that I've read this verse a number of times because it continuously amazes me that He loves me and values me. However, the magnitude of this verse has never really struck me. Not only does God know everything about me, but, like I said, He knows everything about everyone.
What's more is not only does He hear my prayers, He listens to them. He knows all of my desires and my needs without me even asking. Not only is this true for me, but all of His children. And even though He already knows all of this He still wants us to ask. It astounds me. Ask anyone who knows me, I get lost and lose focus listening to one person, and with two, pshhh, forget it. Then I think about how many languages people are praying these prayers in. I struggle to speak English, let alone Spanish. But He knows and understands every single word no matter what language it's uttered in. I cannot even begin to imagine how that He doesn't get a migraine from listening to everyone all the time. But He doesn't. In fact, He loves listening and spending time with His children. And He wants us to do the same. He wants all 7,006,102,713 to know Him and love Him like He loves us. Talk about a big family.
This may not be a new concept to many people, but really placing value on it and thinking about its truth probably is. Next time you're walking down the street, notice the people around you. Look at their faces and recognize them as individuals, each with a story and each with different needs, and He knows all of them. It becomes a little overwhelming when you begin to realize how many people you come in contact with within just a few minutes not to mention imagining how many people are breathing and living all over the world. Yet, despite that He knows every one of the 7,006,102,713 faces and listens to an infinite number of prayers, He wants to know you and listen to you and love you, regardless of who you are and what you've done. He already knows all about it and His mind hasn't changed nor will it ever. Now that's something wonderful.
703,021...the population of Sevilla, Spain (my current location) as of 2011.
83,393...the population of Asheville, North Carolina (my hometown) according to the 2010 census.
As I was walking through the streets of Sevilla today, here's what I realized, God personally knows every single one of us. Every one. He knows the little old lady I saw sitting by the river in her wheelchair, the smiling momma on the street who's chasing after her giggly little boy, the wife and husband holding hands walking across the bridge, and even the little unborn baby that's still developing in its momma's pink t-shirt covered belly. And not only does He know all these peoples' names, He knows their past, their future, and the absolute deepest desires of their hearts.
I would dare say that at some point in their lives, quite a few people have read or heard the following verse, Luke 12:7:
"But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more
value than many sparrows."
Personally, I know that I've read this verse a number of times because it continuously amazes me that He loves me and values me. However, the magnitude of this verse has never really struck me. Not only does God know everything about me, but, like I said, He knows everything about everyone.
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What's more is not only does He hear my prayers, He listens to them. He knows all of my desires and my needs without me even asking. Not only is this true for me, but all of His children. And even though He already knows all of this He still wants us to ask. It astounds me. Ask anyone who knows me, I get lost and lose focus listening to one person, and with two, pshhh, forget it. Then I think about how many languages people are praying these prayers in. I struggle to speak English, let alone Spanish. But He knows and understands every single word no matter what language it's uttered in. I cannot even begin to imagine how that He doesn't get a migraine from listening to everyone all the time. But He doesn't. In fact, He loves listening and spending time with His children. And He wants us to do the same. He wants all 7,006,102,713 to know Him and love Him like He loves us. Talk about a big family.
This may not be a new concept to many people, but really placing value on it and thinking about its truth probably is. Next time you're walking down the street, notice the people around you. Look at their faces and recognize them as individuals, each with a story and each with different needs, and He knows all of them. It becomes a little overwhelming when you begin to realize how many people you come in contact with within just a few minutes not to mention imagining how many people are breathing and living all over the world. Yet, despite that He knows every one of the 7,006,102,713 faces and listens to an infinite number of prayers, He wants to know you and listen to you and love you, regardless of who you are and what you've done. He already knows all about it and His mind hasn't changed nor will it ever. Now that's something wonderful.
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